http://ow.ly/Bi5fD #victimshaming #janayrice
Today Janay Rice the wife of Ray Rice posted the above note about the domestic violence altercation that she was involved in this past February,. Yesterday , TMZ released a video of her husband Ray Rice punching her with such force in a elevator that she hit her head on a guardrail and passed out. You can see Ray dragging her body through the elevator door and kicking her legs closed. It’s horrible, I won’t post the video but I found myself struggling to fall asleep last night because I kept replaying the images in my head.
I refuse to focus on Ray in this post, he’s a monster and deserves no pity. I’m glad that all though late and I’m sure under pressure the NFL suspended him indefinitely. I hope this proves as a spring board in cutting any player who puts their hands on a woman. I am saddened by how many skewed comments I’ve read on this situation blaming Janay for Ray losing his job. She’s been called a troublemaker and a gold digger. People have blamed her for the fight since she slapped him first and even equated this with woman equality- suggesting that if a woman hits a man she gets what she deserves.
As a victim of domestic violence I know firsthand the guilt and embarrassment in being hit by someone who claims to love you. I always thought that if I was ever hit by a man that I would leave the relationship but that didn’t happen. Instead, I tried to love harder, excused bad behaviour and tried to be silent and not create waves. After reading Janay’s Instagram post this morning, I understand exactly how misguided she is about her part in this situation. She loves her husband and even though what he’s done to her is inexcusable, she cannot find the strength to point blame at her abuser. This isn’t about fame or money, this is about a woman who doesn’t see her worth. So instead of questioning her sanity for staying let’s question why she feels she can’t leave. Domestic violence is cyclical and the abuse won’t end with the release of their scuffle. There aren’t varying degrees of domestic violence, it’s not worse before or after marriage, if your partner is rich or poor. It’s always bad and never the victim’s fault. I fear for her. Recognizing that the media has the right to speak on this incident, I hope that someone reaches out to them and offers them the counselling that they so desperately need.
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence PLEASE contact the following number
When you’re on a journey of self-discovery people will try to thwart your process. People will create issues, discourage you, and try to make you stumble. When I started to clean up past mistakes and missteps, the people in my life didn’t encourage my growth. They reminded me of past failures and told me how hard it would be to start over. I’m glad I ignored the critics and instead started the painful and arduous process of re-creating myself. I won’t lie and say that it’s easy, but I’m so thankful that I found the strength to walk down my path to self-worth. My goal was to clean up the debris before I started a new relationship. I knew that I had to put in the work to get myself “relationship ready”.
Everyone has to determine what “relationship ready” means to them but for me there’s 3 key parts that had to be addressed. I focused on my health, my family, and life goals. Getting physically and emotionally healthy is important. Your self-esteem will play into who you associate with and the way you approach conflict. I started working out regularly, eating less processed food and drinking lots of water. I also stopped talking to hear myself but instead started to listen. I approached conflict with a open heart and stopped being so defensive.
As a child of divorced parents, I had to look objectively at the mistakes my parents made and looked to see if I was repeating them. This was challenging because it brought up old wounds but it eventually helped me heal. It’s so hard to uproot past trauma from your childhood but also very rewarding. I admit I get stumped when dealing with my life goals area of my life and what I want in the future. It’s still a work in progress. I know the kind of person I want to marry but I’m still working on the kind of wife I want to be. I’m sure as I discover what I need to be happy that will change..
It’s hard work, but it’s so important for a strong and healthy you!
What part of your life are you working on?
Sidenote: Still dating the guy I mentioned a few weeks earlier, he’s great and my commitment phobia hasn’t reared it’s ugly head. I’m seeing him soon and I’m not sure how I feel about it LOL
How do you know if he’s the One? Dating can be tricky and sometimes you can spend years with someone and still not be sure. I use the following list when I’m trying to decide if I can see a future with a potential suitor.
1) He makes you laugh. Laughter is so important and giggling with someone you love is not only good for your relationship but healthy for your heart.
2) He’s respectful. No man should call you out your name, disrespect you or make you feel less than special. If he’s a Asshole, dump him.
3) He loves his family. To be fair you can’t pick your family but it’s great when someone you care about loves to spend quality time with their parents and loved ones.
4) He plans epic and simple dates. Not every date has to end in a hot air ballon or on a villa over looking the sea, but he should put some thought into it. A movie night, symphony in the park or a food festival are all great date ideas that are enjoyable and won’t break the bank.
5) He understands your love language. My love language is gifts and quality time. You’d be surprised how far a $50 gift certificate to MAC and some FAceTime will do for me. If you want to be fulfilled in your relationship you need to discover what you need and share them with your partner.
So….I met someone a few weeks ago and I’m really enjoying getting to know him. He’s brilliant, witty, nerdy, talented and we can spend hours together and it feels like minutes. Who knows what the future holds but so far so good!
Are you dating right now? How did you meet? Do you think he/she is the one? I want ALL the sappy details;)
http://ow.ly/zbULn #newpost #relationships #marriage #loveadvice #commitment #dating
I think it’s important to take a few months off between relationships to re-group, reflect, and decide what your next move will be. Dragging past hurt into a new relationship is setting the foundation for pain, confusion and a eventual breakup. No relationship is perfect and each person usually plays a part in the demise of their relationship. Your emotional maturity will determine if you make your next partner suffer the consequences that should have been reserved for the person who hurt you or if you use your past relationship as a learning experience.
It’s never too late to create a relationship standard and it will save you years of stress and heartache if you have a template on which you measure your relationships. Obviously you can change your list as your needs and life experiences change but some things on your list should be non-negotiables. Take a peek at my list below
Miss Reluctant’s Relationship Checklist
1) He must be kind, I have no time for jerks
2) He must be respectful
3) He must have a job
4) Lying is unacceptable
5) Cheating is unacceptable
6) Swearing and Abusive language is unacceptable
7) Drug use is unacceptable
8) He must be adventurous
9) If he has children, he must take care of them
10) If he doesn’t want to get married, we can’t date
Would you add anything to the list or take anything away? I’d love to hear your relationship lists. Wishing everyone a happy dating week and a steamy makeup session sometime this weekend;)!!!
It’s scary when after years of telling everyone “no” you meet someone you want to say “yes” to.