When I end a relationship, I typically don’t stick around to see the bloody, messy, broken fragments of the person I’m leaving behind. Like a ghost, I drift seamlessly out of the lives of those who pursue me and I’m great at not calling or checking in. This is how I heal. I had a ugly fight over the weekend and instead of running, I stood and watched the shards of my words slice the heart of the person I care about. 

I care about him but not enough to tend to the fragility of our relationship. As much as I want to run to him and worm my way into the crook of his neck, at times his presence is overwhelming to me. Even when he’s not physically present, I feel him in the shadows of my mind and his words haunt me. I’ve told him countless times that I’m selfish, you’re crowding me, I need space, and he winces and twists his face, hoping that I’ll change my mind or try to love him a bit more.

I really want to love him. To be kind, to be thegirlfriend that he can be proud of. We both know I can’t, so we fall into this cyclical nightmare, of me pretending to try harder and him ignoring the fact that avoiding being vulnerable with him. 

I’m leaving soon. Packing my belongings and settling somewhere, where much isn’t expected of me. Where I can have calculated conversations, never really submerging myself into the details, continuously drifting, hoping no one catches me.   

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