I’m dating again, and I’m terrified. I have a lot of emotional baggage that I’m haven’t sorted out yet and trying to love someone when you’re unsure of how your heart works is dangerous. He’s a great person and he’s been in my life for years, and I still feel completely uneasy about this.  I’ve tried to date him  over the years, and my efforts haven’t been fruitful. I’ve been distant, aloof, and lovestruck but I’ve never tried to be his friend. I think because I love the instant gratification of relationships, I’ve never taken the time to cultivate a real friendship with him or anyone I’ve dated. I’ve discussed my vulnerability issues here at length and though I’m getting better at opening up, it’s still a struggle.

Being close or guarded is no longer option for me, with this relationship. He expects me to tell him my secrets, fears, concerns, and thoughts and as overwhelming as it is, it’s been a relief to speak freely without feeling judged. He knows everything and still loves and respects me and I no longer equate his disapproval as his not loving me. For a long time, I couldn’t separate the two and it broke up every relationship I was in. I feared my partners would abandon me if I wasn’t perfect and the pressure of being perfect was a stronghold on me that lulled me to sabotage the relationship. A disastrous cycle that I kept repeating for several years. I know the underbelly of me not being vulnerable was my issues with control and the responsibility of being in a fully functioning and healthy relationship. I finally decided to face myself and ask the hard questions. Why was I so drawn to bad relationships and men who treated me poorly? Why was I running from commitment and a future with people who wanted to love me?

Heavy questions and I’ll share my answers with you over the next several weeks.

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