Woman Watching Sunset

It’s been awhile and I’ve had a few days to reflect on my current relationship or lack of relationship and where I want my life to go romantically. I was texting “OrangeFace” (I’m going to call him “Orange Face” from now on) and while we were discussing our last breakup he alluded to the fact that maybe we aren’t meant to be because we can’t seem to get it right. I was absolutely gutted. The last few years have been challenging, but I never imagined that we weren’t compatible or meant for each other. I quickly rushed off the phone, I didn’t want to deal with the rejection, his words, the flip flopping in my stomach or the thought of us not eventually being together. I was paralyzed with fear, I’ve always counted on him loving me. Things have fallen apart many times, through those disappointments and set-backs I’ve always relied on his love to sustain me. He’s the love of my life and though I’ve been unable to love him as I should, the thought of losing him rocked my world. I had to ask myself the hard question, do I want him because loving him is comfortable or do I really want to take the time to nurture and build on our love. I’m scared and nervous and even though I don’t need to have all the answers right now, I know that this might be my last chance to be with the only person who will love me the way that I need to be loved. I’m hoping that my fears and anxieties about relationships won’t usurp the strong feelings that I have for him.

Have you ever been in a “merry-ground” relationship? A relationship that felt so good but you experienced “failure to launch”? If you have, I’d love to hear about it in the comment section!